I have not been feeling very miraculous lately. In fact, whatever the opposite of miraculous is, that is what I’ve been feeling. Everything feels crappy right now. I am trying so hard to focus on the positive, but really, I just can’t. It’s like life is a sticky, gray sludge, and I am trying to wade through it… with lead boots on… in the rain… at night.
My guru friends have all tried to lift me up from the sludge. Focus on gratitude! Pray! Look at all of your blessings! One particularly close friend even verbally slapped me, hoping it would shake me. And actually, the verbal slap worked, for about 2 days. Then it didn’t. Sad to say, I have not been able to lift myself up out of this hole for a while now.
I’ve had some health issues that are just random and unfortunate. And my job is, well, it’s so blah. I love my company and the people I work with are awesome. And miraculously, I work from home full-time and get to occassionally travel. Awesome, right? I should be grateful – in fact, I am grateful. But here’s the rub – I don’t like the actual work. And here’s a nifty little epiphany I’ve come to – working from home does not make you like your job anymore, if in fact you just don’t like the work that you do. There, I said it. I work from home, and I don’t like my job. Love the company, hate the job.
And the personal situation – oh man. I’ve said before, I have a difficult situation here at home. No need to re-hash, but it involves multiple generations under one tiny roof, some big egos, a little tiny bit of money, and a bunch of tempers and tantrums, of all shapes and sizes. Lately, I find myself wanting to do one of two things: a) run away or b) stay in bed all day. Neither of these is an option, so I generally compromise by getting out of bed, taking small people to school, and sitting at my corner of the dining room table to do my work. But I rebel by wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday, and waiting all day to take a shower. Ok, so maybe later day showering is not that rebellious, but I’ll take it.
The fight for positivity has gone out of me. I look back at my previous posts, all so full of light, even in the darkness, and all I think is, “Really? You were really that positive? ” If you have a small person whom you read to, perhaps you know of the Frog and Toad stories by Arnold Lobel. Toad is the always pessimistic, ner-do-well. Frog is his always perky, and perfect companion. Toad is obviously my favorite character. His favorite saying is, “Bleh.” I feel like Toad lately. Bleh. Bleh to it all.
So where is the silver lining in this post? Where do I miraculously turn this frown upside down? Well, I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like it. I am not turning this around. Not today. Today sucks. Maybe this whole dam week sucks. The miracle is that I get another day to try to get it right. The miracle is in the hope of tomorrow. The real miracle is in letting myself feel crappy. And then moving on. With hope. So, yeah, today I might eat my way to the bottom an ice cream bowl or I might not take a shower at all. Maybe I’ll yell at my kids, and feed them chicken nuggets and french fries, without any vegetables. And you know what? That is totally fine. Cause tomorrow I can try again. Tomorrow I can take a shower and put on clean clothes and try to be more patient and try to cook vegetables. Tomorrow I can try to pull myself up out of the sludge of life. But today, I’m just going to be. And I’m going to be ok with being me right now. Wonderfully sad, hurting, and imperfect me. That is my miracle today.
Oh, and chocolate. Chocolate is a miracle today too.
See you all on the other side of the sludge….